Film Reviews

by the Numbers

Mega Shark vs Giant Octopus

Synopsis

A MILITARY SONAR TEST unexpectedly unleashes the CHEESIEST FILM IN HISTORY.

By the Numbers

  • Inexplicably hot submarine pilots: 1

  • Episodes of Octonauts that are basically the same plot as this: 2

  • Whale meat closeups, in kilotons: 27

  • WHAT’S GOING ON: 1

  • Bottles of J2O drunk out of paper bags: 2

  • Shark jump height, in metres: 5000

  • David Caruso: 0.7

  • Flashbacks: 7

  • Flashes to exactly the same time and place: 304

  • Primary-coloured “Chemistry” potions: 26

  • I DON’T KNOW, YOU’RE THE EX-NAVY PALAEONTOLOGIST GURU: 1

  • Competency of Destroyer Captain: 0

  • Ships that are actually Destroyers: 0

  • Submarine video links: 1

  • Screw it, all of this. I’m going to stop commenting on the tech before I explode. This film was clearly not written by anyone who has ever been on a ship, a submarine, or possibly even seen the sea.

  • WHAT HAVE WE DONE: 1

  • Fucking FOR SCIENCE (RADIOACTIVE PHEROMONE SCIENCE): 1

  • Sex Henderson: 1 (NOT EVEN FUCKING KIDDING)

  • GIANT SEAFOOD, LLC: O_O

Overall: 0±5 / 5

You know what I haven’t done in a while? A military sonar test. IT’S GO TIME.

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