Twilight (2009)

Plot Summary:

The LIVING DEAD walk the earth, and are really fucking EMO. They also have the following discipline dots: CELERITY 3, POTENCE 3, AUSPEX 4, DOMINATE 2, PRESENCE 1. Which makes them all pretty nails, and they have no disadvantages at all whatsoever except a fondness for MY CHEMICAL ROMANCE. Naturally, one falls in love with a MARY-SUE called BELLA, who is then subjected to COOL SHIT but decides to ANGST about it.

“So it’s gonna turn out that that guy’s a vampire too, right?” moments: 3

Alice’s Relevance to my Interests: 10

Self-confidence of main characters: -24

Interesting plot twists: -1

MST Potential: 458

Units of Alcohol Required to Fully Appreciate Movie: 7

How Awesome it Would be if Someone Replaced the Sabbat Guys by Prinnies Just so they Could Say “We Challenge You to a Game of Baseball, Dood”: over 9000

Movies that are Worse than Twilight: 57

Movies that star Adam Sandler or Jim Carrey: 57

THIS… IS THE SKIN… OF A KILLER.: 1

Overall: -1/5